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LAYA! [Los Altos Young Adult E-Letter]
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Volume 2 Issue 3
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March 1997
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HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!
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TABLE OF CONTENTS...

EDITOR'S NOTE
PHUNNIE CHICKEN
DOCTOR'S BLOOPERS
PC GAME CHEATS
WEB SITES
SURVEYS
THE TOP 10
MYSTERY MESSAGES
LAHS CALENDAR
EGAN CALENDAR

LAYA! looks best when viewed with 10 point Arial font.

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EDITOR'S NOTE
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Hello students of Los Altos!
We would like to know what you think about having written articles written
by various writers published in LAYA!, and thus making LAYA! bi-weekly. I'd
also like to personally informall of you that LAYA! is pronounced LAY-UH, not
L-A-Y-A. Not only does it make it easier to say, but it makes it sound better.
I sincerely hope you enjoy this issue, and always remember-if you've got
something funny, send it in and we'll publish it-giving you credit (or not giving
you credit if that is what you wish).
Read On!

Robert Chin
Editorial Director of LAYA!

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PHUNNIE CHICKEN
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Here are some reasons why the chicken crossed the
road according to some famous sources.

1.Douglas Adams: It panicked...

2.Douglas Adams: 42...

3.Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

4.Neil Armstrong: That's one small crossing for chicken, one giant
leap for chicken-kind!

5.Robert Asprin: It was a terrible myth-step...

6.Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?

7.Roland Barthes: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road.

8.Leopold Bloom: Wonder why chickens cross roads. Must be some law.

9.Mrs Marion Bloom: Migration maybe.

10.Molly Bloom: the chicken crossed the road well Poldy I dont know
why why do you worry about such stupid bloody things O speaking of
stupid bloody things here it comes again damn it its only been three weeks
I wonder is there something wrong with me yes

11.George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of
headlights.

12.Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.

13.Candide: To cultivate its garden.

14.Bill the Cat: Oop Ack.

15.President Clinton: The chicken crossed the road because the bridge
to the 21st century is still under construction.

16.Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own
chicken-nature.

17.Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has
crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth
so for its own preservation.

18.Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.

19.Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most
astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An
historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

20.Salvador Dali: The Fish.

21.Rodney Dangerfield: because it didn't get no respect!

22.Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the
trees.

23.Paul de Man: The chicken did not really cross the road because one
side and the other are not really opposites in the first place.

24.Paul de Man: (uncovered after his death) So no one would find out
it wrote for a collaborationist Belgian newspaper during the early years
of World War II.

25.Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.

26.Jacques Derrida: What is the difference? The chicken was merely
deferring from one side of the road to other. And how do we get the idea
of the chicken in the first place? Does it exist outside of language?

27.Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was
dreaming anyway.

28.Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

29.Bob Dole: Bob Dole says because he fell off the stage.

30.Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?

31.Albert Einstein: Did the chicken cross the road, or did the road
move under the chicken? It's all relative, you see.

32.TS Eliot: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.

33.TS Eliot (revisited): Do I dare to cross the road?

34.Epicurus: For fun.

35.Paul Erdos: It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole principle.

36.Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

37.Basil Fawlty: Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.

38.Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't
stop its forward momentum.

39.Michel Foucault: It did so because the dicourse of crossing the
road left it no choice-the police state was oppressing it.

40.Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously
interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a
phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

41.Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.

42.Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my
legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.

43.Bill Gates: Because I said so and what I say goes.

44.Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to
cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would
be lost. The chicken would be lost!

45.Newt Gingrich: It was in the Contract with Chickens.

46.Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do
it.

47.Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

48.Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the
chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

49.David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

50.Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

51.Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of
the road.

52.James Joyce: To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated
conscience of its race.

53.James Joyce: Once upon a time a nicens little chicken named baby
tuckoo crossed the road and met a moocow coming down...

54.Immanuel Kant: Because it was a duty.

55.Jack Kemp: Because he'd do anything to get on the ticket.

56.John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!

continued next issue...

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DOCTOR'S BLOOPERS
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Doctors are, for the most part, human. Which means they make blunders
and bloopers just like anybody else. The current Journal of Polymorphous
Perversity offers a collection of oddball medical reports -- and as
the introduction warns -- "this varicose vein of anguished English has in
no way been doctored." Some excerpts:


The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1983.

Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee
amputation last year.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling much better.

The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her
husband.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40-pound weight gain in the past 3 days.

Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.

The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the ER and are
not available. I WILL FIND THEM!!!

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
original complaints.

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PC GAME CHEATS
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--- MECHWARRIOR 2: MERCENARIES ---

hold down Ctrl-Alt-Shift while typing these in...

SUPERFUNKICALIFRAGISEXY: Toggles invulnerability
ISEENFIREANDISEENRAIN: Unlimited Ammo!!!
OOOHHHLLLAAALLLAAA: Toggles heat tracking
ITSDABOOOMB: Nukes current target
INMYBEAUTIFULBALLON: Adds jumpjets to your mech.
REDJACKANDTIKRULES: Destroy targeted mech.
LIKETHECOMSTARBABY: Succesfully complete mission.
ONTIMEEVERYTIME: Toggles Time Compression
CRAZYSEXYCOOL: Toggles infinite Jumpjets.
BEHOLDMYGLORY: Free-eye mode
ANTIJOLT: Toggles time expansion.
FLASHYFLASHY: Toggles auto-grouping

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WEB SITES
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Note: All sites are preceded by a 'http://'

www.quadzilla.com the ultimate html learner page
www.california.com/~sgeler The free homepage center
weber.u.washington.edu/~jgurney/search/index.html The Search Satellite.
Search anything all at once.
www.genhomepage.com/ The genealogy home page
www.genealogy.org/~ngs/ The National Geographic Home
Page
www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Arcade/1917/n64.htm The Nintendo 64
Home Page
www.geocities.com/MotorCity/7640/ MTL's Grand Prix Home Page
members.aol.com/vbstud2/diablo.htm The Diablo Warrior's Home Page
www.gamesdomain.co.uk/j2w/ Jazz 2 Warehouse
www.pacifier.com/~kurf/ Kurf's MIDI Page

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SURVEYS
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Here are the questions:
1.) Do you like:
A.) CocaCola
B.) Pepsi

2.) Do you like:
A.) Sprite
B.) 7UP

Here are the results from last month's survey:

1. Are you using:
A) Less than a 14.4 Modem 0%
B) 14.4 27%
C) 28.8 64%
D) ISDN 9%
E) Above ISDN 0%

2. What is you favorite computer game?
Warcraft II 75%
Star Control 3 13%
Quake 12%

3. Do you like:
A) M&Ms 45%
B) Skittles 55%

E-mail "dancheng@akamail.com" with your opinions. Title the "subject" as
"surveys." It will remain anonymous. Just include your answers. You do not
have to answer all of them. The results will be posted in the next issue!

You can submit a survey you want to conduct by e-mailing
"dancheng@akamail.com" Title the "subject" as "new surveys."

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THE TOP 10
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--- TOP 10 SONGS IN THE BAY AREA ---

10 HAIL MARY/Makaveli
9 CAN'T NOBODY HOLD ME DOWN/Puff Daddy (Feat. Mase)
8 WHAT KIND OF MAN/Mint Condition
7 ONE IN A MILLION/Aaliyah
6 TO LIVE & DIE IN LA/Makaveli
5 FOR YOU I WILL/Monica
4 LET'S GET DOWN/Tony Toni Tone
3 SUMTHIN'SUMTHIN'/Maxwell
2 IN MY BED/Dru Hill
1 DON'T LEAVE ME/BLACKstreet

--- TOP 10 COMPUTER GAMES ---

10. Duke Nukem 3D
9. Quake
8. Privateer II: The Darkening
7. Mechwarrior II: Mercenaries
6. Warcraft II
5. Z
4. Star Control 3
3. Command & Conquer: Red Alert
2. Wing Commander IV: The Price of Freedom
1. Diablo

--- TOP 10 SUPER NINTENDO GAMES ---

10. Killer Instinct
9. Donkey Kong Country
8. Final Fantasy III
7. Super Mario Kart
6. Chrono Trigger
5. Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest
4. Tetris Attack
3. Super Mario RPG
2. The Legend of Zelda
1. Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble

--- TOP 10 NINTENDO 64 GAMES ---

10. Turok: Dinosaur Hunter
9. Mortal Kombat Trilogy
8. Wayne Gretzky's 3-D Hockey
7. Pilotwings 64
6. Killer Instinct Gold
5. Cruis'n USA
4. Wave Race 64
3. Mario Kart 64
2. Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire
1. Super Mario 64

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MYSTERY MESSAGES
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TO AMMO SEARGENT V7

NEW JERSEY ISN'T SO HOT!! LOOK OUT! PENNSYLVANIA, NEW JERSEY, AND AREA 6776 WILL KILL EACH OTHER IN A NUCLEAR WAR!!

FROM THE PRESIDENT

If you have a message you want someone to see, you can e-mail that
message to "dancheng@akamail.com" Title the "subject" as "Mystery
Messages" and in the next issue, we will print all the messages we receive.
The message CAN remain anonymous(please specify).
Please make the message appropriate with no put downs.

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LOS ALTOS HIGH SCHOOL CALENDAR
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MARCH
14 NO SCHOOL - Staff Development Day
28 Sadies Dance 8 - 11pm
28 End of 3rd Quarter
31-Apr. 4 Australians visit

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EGAN INTERMEDIATE SCHOOL CALENDAR
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MARCH
14 NO SCHOOL - Staff Development Day
21 School Dance 7 - 9 PM

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LAYA's STAFF...
Compiled, edited, designed, and approved by:

Robert Chin
Editorial Director
robertchin@akamail.com

Daniel Cheng
Designer
dancheng@akamail.com

Chris Lin
Director of Submissions
cclin@worldnet.att.net

Scott Chiang
Public Relations
illuminator@juno.com

Charles Hua
Top 10 Coordinator
charleyman@geocities.com

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