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LAYA! [Los Altos Young Adult E-Letter]
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Volume 2 Issue 2
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February 1997
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HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!
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TABLE OF CONTENTS...

EDITOR'S NOTE
IF ONLY...
THE WORST ANALOGIES EVER WRITTEN IN A HIGH SCHOOL ESSAY
WORDS NOT YET IN THE DICTIONARY
EU PRESS RELEASE
PC GAME CHEATS
WEB SITES
SURVEYS
THE TOP 10
MYSTERY MESSAGES
LAHS CALENDAR
EGAN CALENDAR

LAYA! looks best when viewed with 10 point Arial font.

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EDITOR'S NOTE
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Hello students of Los Altos!

Welcome to the second issue of LAYA! for 1997. We would like to hear any
comments you have on this e-letter, and we want to know if we should add
anything, or take away anything. I hope you enjoy this issue of LAYA! as
much as we enjoyed writing it. Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!

Robert Chin
Editorial Director of LAYA!

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IF ONLY...
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If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married
Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd
be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg
Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou,
he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him
to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other
name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married

Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan
Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar,
then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose
Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar
(of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician),
she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory
Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back
in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin
Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all
nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short
Guy."

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THE WORST ANALOGIES EVER WRITTEN IN A HIGH SCHOOL ESSAY
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They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the
door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled
with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

>From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
"Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown) >He was as
tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

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WORDS NOT YET IN THE DICTIONARY
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ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and
refolda road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the
bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of
drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the
drinker from
(a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more
torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up
display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the
phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of
running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by
asking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will
`remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in
the rear view mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at
the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that
the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto
the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the
"open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort
to the`illegal' side.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to
come to life.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground
pepper.

PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in
front of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even
when you're only six inches away.

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EU PRESS RELEASE
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Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now officially
the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has commissioned a
feasability study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between
Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron
out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a
committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made
with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was
anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would
make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a
deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem
began and peopl would be reseptiv to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'.
Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after
al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from
words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud
finali hav kum tru.

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PC GAME CHEATS
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--- Wolfenstein 3D ---

[tab] [Q] - Quit
[tab] [W] - Warp to level xx
[tab] [E] - Exit to next level
[tab] [T] - Debug info in memory
[tab] [I] - Free items
[tab] [O] - Map of level (only works in beta versions of Wolf3D)
[tab] [S] - Slow motion
[tab] [F] - Position info
[tab] [G] - God mode (no damage)
[tab] [H] - Hurt yourself
[tab] [X] - Extra stuff (???)
[tab] [C] - Statistics
[tab] [V] - Add extra VBLs (Vertical Blanking Signal -- this will do nothing
for most users except maybe increase or decrease the game
speed.)
[tab] [B] - Change border color
[tab] [M] - Memory map
[tab] [N] - No clipping (walk through walls) >>>

(This works only in Wolf3D v1.0 shareware. This mode can cause
really bad things to happen to the game, including corrupting
itself, which is why it was taken out.)

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WEB SITES
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Note: All sites are preceded by a 'http://'

www.whoopie.com The best collection of sound and
video on the 'net
www.freeshop.com What free stuff is available?
www.rosieo.com Rosie O'Donnell!
www.pixi.com/~owens/bored/bored.html Are you bored?
Come here for alternatives.
www.tns.ca The Sports Network
www.cnn.com CNN On-Line
www.disney.com Check this site out.
It's better than you think.
www.comcentral.com Comedy Central, on the Net!
phantom.ghost.linc.or.jp/Nagano The 1998 Olympics.
www.cbs.com CBS!

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SURVEYS
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We are waiting for MORE survey results...

COME ON, PLEASE SEND IN YOUR OPINIONS!

Here are the questions:

1. Are you using:
A) Less than a 14.4 Modem
B) 14.4
C) 28.8
D) ISDN
E) Above ISDN

2. What is you favorite computer game?

3. Do you like:
A) M&Ms
B) Skittles

E-mail "laya@juno.com" with your opinions. Title the "subject" as
"surveys."
It will remain anonymous. Just include your answers. You do not have to
answer all of them. The results will be posted in the next issue!

You can submit a survey you want to conduct by e-mailing
"laya@juno.com" Title the "subject" as "new surveys."

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THE TOP 10
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--- TOP 10 SONGS IN THE BAY AREA ---

10. FOR YOU I WILL/Monica
9. NOBODY/Keith Sweat
8. LET'S RIDE/Richie Rich
7. DON'T LET GO (LOVE)/En Vogue
6. TOSS IT UP/Makaveli
5. TO LIVE & DIE IN LA/Makaveli
4. WHAT KIND OF MAN/Mint Condition
3. DON'T LEAVE ME/BLACKstreet
2. ONE IN A MILLION/Aaliya
1. LET'S GET DOWN/Tony Toni Tone

--- TOP 10 OLDER COMPUTER GAMES ---

Note: They're all about the same.
7th
Aces of the Pacific
Betrayal at Krondor
Civilization
Darklands
Minesweeper
Privateer
Railroad Tycoon
SimCity 2000
Star Control 2: Ur-Quan Masters
X-Wing

--- TOP 10 SUPER NINTENDO GAMES ---

10. Super Metroid
9. Super Mario Cart
8. Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Conquest
7. Final Fantasy III
6. Chrono Trigger
5. Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island
4. Super Mario RPG
3. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
2. Tetris Attack
1. Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble

--- TOP 10 NINTENDO 64 GAMES ---

10. Turok: Dinosaur Hunter
9. Mortal Kombat Trilogy
8. Wayne Gretzky's 3D Hockey
7. Cruisin' USA
6. Pilot Wings 64
5. Killer Instinct Gold
4. Mario Cart 64
3. Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire
2. Wave Race 64
1. Super Mario 64

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MYSTERY MESSAGES
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To: Commander in Cheif
From: Ammo Seargeant
How are you? Glad you liked my postcard I loved yours, **** you too!

To Ediot
illo hello/./ zello ullo wello/pello ullo/?/
AREA 6776 MAY SOON SELF DESTRUCT! NEW JERSEY IS GREAT!
>From Studid

If you have a message you want someone to see, you can e-mail that
message to "laya@juno.com" Title the "subject" as "Mystery Messages"
and in the next issue, we will print all the messages we receive. The
message CAN remain anonymous(please specify).
Please make the message appropriate with no put downs.

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LOS ALTOS HIGH SCHOOL CALENDAR
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FEBRUARY
17-21 Winter Recess

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EGAN INTERMEDIATE SCHOOL CALENDAR
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FEBRUARY
13 7th Grade Bowl-a-Rama
14 8th Grade Bowl-a-Rama
17-21 Winter Recess
26 LAHS CAC Meeting 7:30 PM
27-28 Music Department Trip to Disneyland

============================================================
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LAYA's STAFF...
Compiled, edited, designed, and approved by:
Robert Chin
Editorial Director
robertchin@akamail.com

Daniel Cheng
Designer
dancheng@akamail.com

Chris Lin
Director of Submissions
cclin@worldnet.att.net

Scott Chiang
Public Relations
illuminator@juno.com

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If you have questions, comments, or suggestions,
please e-mail "laya@juno.com"
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SUBMIT AN ARTICLE! E-mail "laya@juno.com" with your article or idea.
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subject, and in the message, write "subscribe " (without the quotation
marks respectively) and then your friend's e-mail address.
For example: subscribe anonymous@anon.com
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TO BE REMOVED FROM THIS SUBSCRIPTION, e-mail
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ARTICLE REPRINT REQUESTS of this and back issues may be sent to
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Mailing lists will NOT be given out, with NO exceptions.
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