<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>> L A Y A ! [ e L e t t e r f o r A m e r i c a n Y o u n g A d u l t s ] h t t p : / / w w w . l a y a . c o m <<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>> VOLUME III ISSUE 8 AUGUST 1998 T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S . . . ---------------------------------------------------------------------- - A NOTE FROM THE STAFF - SPORTS: THE GLUE THAT RIPS OUR COUNTRY APART - REFLECTIONS || SNOITCELFER - WHO'S DRIVING? - HMMM... - AND FOR NEXT ISSUE L A Y A ! looks best when viewed with 10 point Arial font. <>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<> A N O T E F R O M T H E S T A F F <>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<> Hey all you readers, Welcome to the last LAYA issue. That is, the last LAYA issue before school comes back into session (we know what you were hoping). The LAYA site is up with all back issues to date. If you've missed some, be sure to check them out on our web site! This month we have a new, innovative way to respond to the hot topics featured in LAYA!. You will be able to respond to articles online and even carry on a conversation about an article with other readers! Just click on the Response Forum link underneath each article -- there are different response forums for each article (note that all jokes take place in the joke forum). So try it out, you'll love it! And remember, we're always seeking new writers! Oh, and submit your jokes and receive credit! And on a brief note, this issue contains and editorial about sports by guest writer Chris Ng, Reflections, and three regionalist jokes for the month. Enjoy! Too short? Too long? Just right? Tell us your suggestions, comments, and criticism. General LAYA! Response Forum: http://www.laya.com/aresprog/respond.cgi?articleid=layaissue01&secure=ynlnvf fhr01 <>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<> S P O R T S : T H E G L U E T H A T R I P S O U R C O U N T R Y A P A R T <>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<> Editorial: "GOAL!!!" "Touchdown by Montana…" "And the crowd goes wild!" Tell me, what's in common with these three phrases? Well, they have to do with sports. Yes, sports. Those hallowed competitions of skill and concentration. The single driving force, besides reproduction (wink), in our country. The glue that rips our country apart. Why does it rip our country apart? Dunno. It was a good title, okay? But are sports really important enough to be a centerpiece of our society? Well... Would you like to take a survey? Answer honestly, now. No one will know the results except you. A friend tells you that they do not actively pursue sports. You: A) Nod. B) Ask, in a mildly surprised manner, why they don't. C) Tell them they should, because you read an article saying sports are the glue that rips our country apart. D) Take a hostage. If you answered A: Good job. You understand that sports aren't life. If you answered B: Well… Acceptable. Read the above. If you answered C: Don't take me THAT seriously. You might be right, maybe they should take up a sport, but they have a right not to. If you answered D: Jeez, man. Get away from me. Even Michael Jordan ain't that crazy, and he's played two sports. The point is, sports aren't all that important. There's more to life than dunking basketballs or slamming home runs. When you think about it, getting a good education, or maybe writing a book, or even becoming a punk rocker (JUST KIDDING! JUST KIDDING!!!) is better in the long run. I personally find it rather insulting that there is a Sports section in the paper every day, but not, say, a Literature section. SuperBowl Sunday is so important to the American populace that it might as well be a national holiday. Every January, the men (and some of the women) of our country pile half the fridge and two-thirds of the pantry in front of their TV and prepare to cheer as people throw a misshapen lump of rubber or leather around and body-slam each other like Team Kombat on Mortal Kombat 17.314. Exactly what does this accomplish, might I ask? And what are we telling ourselves (and our kids; I'd be surprised if there isn't a reader out there with a child)? That rushing down a field with the aforementioned misshapen lump of leather and head-butting like a pach of Pachycephalasaurii (a species of dinosaurs with thick skulls; the head-butting is hypothesized to be a way of fighting for females) is entertainment? Okay, maybe it is, but I don't think so. And look at the role models our athletes present. Dennis Rodman, for example, dashes around making a fool of himself, in a manner similar to that of Happy Gilmore. Latrell Spreewell (What a name!) tried to strangle his coach and was expelled from the NFL for a year. And I'm not even going to talk about Orenthal James Simpson. And then look at those tobacco-chewing baseball players? What kind of role models are we setting for our kids? And why are today's kids obsessed with sports? Well, in the words of Calvin's dad from the immortal Calvin and Hobbes, "Sports players can be some of the most overpaid people in the universe." Now, I'm not saying sports are bad. On the contrary. It teaches us discipline, concentration, teamwork, plus the all-important ability to throw a ball (which I myself STILL can't do with any amount of accuracy). But the next time you decide to throw the ol' pigskin around, or dunk some hoops, remember what you are doing--and what you are following. Response Forum: http://www.laya.com/aresprog/respond.cgi?articleid=ingster01&secure=vatfgre0 1 By: Chris Ng (Ingster) J. D. Goddard cpn@best.com <>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<> R E F L E C T I O N S || S N I O T C E L F E R <>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<> This issue: Your worst Reflections. Bill Clinton: Does anyone really hate him for doing whatever with Monica Lewinsky? Does anyone really care? Besides, isn't this the reason he wanted to become president? Come on, isn't this the whole point of becoming famous? After all, if Bill can get it on, think of how inconsequential we'd be! Maybe he's just having a midlife crisis. I hear there's a problem with my e-mail program. I didn't need to be told this by the media. I figured that out already. Anything complex nowadays has problems. Major problems. Did you hear about the new navel ship that crashed? No, not that kind of crash, a computer crash. It was stranded for hours because someone typed a "0" into the fuel tank #2 box. I've heard of ships crashing, but not _crashing_. There's always a first for everything... And remember. Stress stinks. Arrid works. (Don't quote me on that. It's just something random from the TV commercial running in the background right now). Speaking of which I haven't seen any beef commercials in awhile. Nor milk. Maybe it's the fact that I don't watch too much TV in the first place. Response Forum: http://www.laya.com/aresprog/respond.cgi?articleid=reflections01&secure=ersy rpgvbaf01 By: Robert Chin Robert@laya.com <>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<> W H O ' S D R I V I N G ? <>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<> Tell-tales signs as to where that driver's from... One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn: New York City One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California Same as above, but with gun in lap: Los Angeles Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: male from urban Texas One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: male from rural Texas One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: female from Texas Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rearview mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male. Junked, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida Jokes Response Forum: http://www.laya.com/aresprog/respond.cgi?articleid=jokes01&secure=wbxrf01 <>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<> H M M M . . . <>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<> Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Black holes are where God divided by zero. Jokes Response Forum: http://www.laya.com/aresprog/respond.cgi?articleid=jokes01&secure=wbxrf01 <>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<> A N D F O R N E X T I S S U E . . . <>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<> Tell us you pet peeves, worst fears, and anything else on that topic. Tell us what really ticks you off. Anything you can think of at http://www.laya.com/aresprog/respond.cgi?articleid=nextissue01&secure=arkgvf fhr01 ====================================================================== ====================================================================== L A Y A ' s S T A F F . . . Robert Chin President robert@laya.com Daniel Cheng Layout & Design daniel@laya.com Chris Lin Perspective Editor chris@laya.com Serena Chang Editor/Lead Writer serena@laya.com ********************************************************************** If you have questions, comments, or suggestions, please e-mail "info@laya.com" ********************************************************************** SUBMIT AN ARTICLE! E-mail "submissions@laya.com" with your article. If this article was not written by you, we'd like to know who wrote it and what their e-mail address is. If it is your article, please include your name and your e-mail address. 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